


retail woes

by spellingbee



Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album), The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Comic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Retail, Blanket Permission, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Party Poison (Danger Days), POV Third Person Limited, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 17:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21461728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spellingbee/pseuds/spellingbee
Summary: Stef Campbell may have one of the worst jobs in retail, but at least their days are never dull!
Relationships: Fun Ghoul/Kobra Kid (Danger Days), Jet Star/Party Poison (Danger Days), Party Poison/Show Pony (Danger Days)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 30





	retail woes

**Author's Note:**

> Week 46!!
> 
> thank you so much to my zucchini ace ([funkobraofficial](https://funkobraofficial.tumblr.com/) on tumblr) and my friend pink ([pinkstationhero](https://pinkstationhero.tumblr.com/) on tumblr) for beta-reading this!! 💖💖💖
> 
> this was an anonymous request on tumblr! ❤ i hope you enjoy!!
> 
> quick guide to who's who in the end notes! ⬇

“How many times...” Stef grumbles to themself, snatching a bag of frozen peas out of the bin of discount phone chargers, “do people have to be told to put things back where they got ‘em? Fuck, these things are all melty,  _ ugh, _ are the phone chargers even still usable?  _ Shit.” _

This is the fifth time in as many days that someone’s stuck frozen food somewhere it  _ definitely _ didn’t belong, and it’s really starting to piss Stef off. Like, if you decide you  _ don’t _ want something, at least  _ try _ to put it back where you got it! At least put it in with similar stuff! Stef’d much rather fish frozen veggies out of the ice cream case than the electronic section.

They grab all the wet phone chargers they can find and stick them in their cart to inspect later. Hell, at least if they’re inspecting chargers in the back room, they don’t have to deal with asshole customers for a while! That’s a plus, at least.

Someone moves in the corner of their eye, and they turn toward the figure, already knowing exactly who it is. “Oh no you  _ don’t!” _ Stef says, chasing after the person. “Hey! Hey,  _ Shaw!” _

Ae doesn’t so much  _ stop _ as  _ perform a perfect pirouette on aer skates _ to face them. “Steffie baby!” ae cries, beaming. “I was  _ so _ hoping you were working today!” 

“I work every Tuesday,” Stef says, faking exasperation. “I literally said ‘Bye, Shaw, I’m headin’ to work’ when I left this morning. Also, you  _ know _ you’re not s’posed to skate in here. Fuckin’  _ Jerry _ always gets on our asses if he sees you skatin’ around and no one tries to stop you.”

Shaw raises aer hands in mock surrender. “Oh,  _ no,” _ ae says, widening aer eyes dramatically. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble with  _ Fuckin’ Jerry, _ now would I?” ae winks at them, then skates up close and presses a quick kiss to their cheek. Ae’s grinning when ae pulls back, and Stef grins back. “I’ll prove that I’m the coolest and absolute most  _ amazing _ skater by pretending to walk instead of skate. How’s that?”

Stef hums a little, tapping their chin and pretending to think about it. “Well,” they say, “I guess that’s a pretty good compromise. So long as Jerry doesn’t get on my case, I don’t actually care.”

“Good!” Shaw waves to them, already turning away. “I’m gettin’ me some hot goddamn cheetos, then, and I’ll see ya at home when your shift’s over!” Ae blows a kiss to them over aer shoulder and walks away.

Well, Shaw  _ looks _ like ae’s walking, but ae really  _ is _ skating. Damn. Stef’s  _ never _ gonna understand how Shaw does any of the stuff ae does on those skates.

Stef turns back to their cart and sighs. Damn. Seeing their datemate was definitely a nice little pick-me-up, but now they’ve gotta get back to work.

They push the cart into the next aisle, straightening items on the shelves as they go and noting which things need to be restocked soon. The peas are making everything else in the cart damp and soggy. Maybe they should head to the back room early and get rid of this stuff.

“--believe the earth is hollow,” Stef hears an unfortunately familiar voice say from the next aisle over. “And, yeah, there’s plenty of evidence for the contrary, but there’s also plenty of evidence  _ in favor of _ the theory. For the layperson, it might seem difficult to dig through all this information and find the truth, which is why I--”

They round the corner and find the exact person they’d been expecting: Dante, the little weirdo who comes in every other day to hand out business cards for his podcast--Stef has received six of them, all with different designs--as well as someone they’re  _ not _ expecting to see: their little brother Marco, who’s watching Dante intently as he rambles on about his podcast or whatever.

“No soliciting,” Stef says out of habit, frowning at Dante. They turn to Marco. “And  _ you! _ Don’t encourage the bastard, he’s not s’posed to advertise in here.”

Dante turns to them with a scowl. “Don’t interrupt me!” he says. “I’m fighting capitalism in its own home!” 

Stef rolls their eyes and turns back to their brother. “Seriously,” they say. “Just walk away.”

Marco shrugs, still looking at Dante with a rapt expression. “I dunno,” he says. “I kinda wanna know more about this podcast. An’ the hollow earth theory thing.”

Dante beams at him, and Stef has to keep themself from retching.  _ God. _ Of all the guys their brother could fall for, it  _ has _ to be the crazy conspiracy theorist that haunts the soup aisle. “You don’t even  _ like _ conspiracy theories!” they cry.

“I do now,” he says, and Dante looks so  _ excited _ by it that Stef has no  _ choice _ but to leave them to it.

“Whatever, just get  _ outta _ here!  _ And no soliciting!” _ they cry again, turning their cart around and booking it for the back room. Yeah, they’re  _ done _ with customers for a while. They’re gonna ditch the garbage and sort the phone chargers and then  _ hopefully _ it’ll be time for their break and they can go get a sandwich from Gabe and maybe flirt a little and then they’ll only have four more hours before they can go home and sleep on Shaw or something because they  _ reeeeeallyyyyy _ need a nap.

\-----

Most of the chargers are still good, which means Stef has the distinct pleasure of returning them to their discount bin, along with restocking everything that needs restocking.  _ Ugh. _ As long as they don’t run into any more weird customers, it’s gonna be fine….

Of course, it’s just as they’re thinking this that a tall woman with multicolored hair and shimmery clothes turns down their aisle, followed closely by an equally tall man sporting sunglasses inside. 

Oh  _ no. _ It’s the witch and her boyfriend. They’re  _ back. _

“Oh, Stef!” the woman, Lola, calls, beaming and waving at them.

Stef half-heartedly waves back. “Hi, guys,” they say, forcing as much of their customer service persona into their smile as they can. “Can I help you find something today?”

“Oh, no, it’s totally fine! We’re just, like, browsing,” Lola says, and her boyfriend, Kai, nods with a smile. 

“Okay! Just let me know if you need any help,” Stef says, turning back to their work. They’re hoping that if they look busy enough, Lola and Kai will leave them alone. Even though that  _ never _ works.

“Oh, Stef, you’re a Scorpio, right?” 

Fuck, please, not a  _ horoscope! _ Stef sighs. “I guess I am.”

Lola’s smile widens. “You should expect a wedding sometime soon,” she says. “Someone close to you! That’s so sweet, aw. Tell the lucky couple congrats from me, okay?”

Stef fights back a snort. No one  _ they _ know is gonna get married anytime soon. At least Lola’s horoscopes and observations have stopped being eerily accurate.  _ Thank god. _ “Yeah, will do! Thanks, Lola.”

“You should start plannin’ soon, dude,” Kai says. “Lola’s always right. She’s totally rad, isn’t she?” The guy’s voice is practically  _ dripping _ with sap. God. Why is everyone being so in love at Stef’s place of work today?! Wait, is this what people see when they smooch Shaw in the store? Whatever, at least  _ they _ have an excuse to be sappy with their datemate in the middle of retail hell. These people could all do this literally anywhere else.

“Right, right, I’ll keep that in mind,” Stef says. “Thanks for lettin’ me know. I gotta finish up my work, though.” They emphasize their point by pointedly stacking cans on the shelf.

“Okay, sure!” Lola says, still so damn cheerful. “See you next time, Stef!  _ So _ nice to bump into you!” She turns to Kai. “C’mon, sweetie, we still need chocolate chips and bobbins!”

They finally leave Stef alone, and they can breathe a sigh of relief. Damn, today’s a weird day. Not that any other day  _ isn’t _ weird.

Their phone beeps in their pocket, and they grin to themself.  _ Break time! _ Hell yeah.

\-----

Lunch break means a trip to the deli (on the other side of the mega-store, of course) and a delicious sandwich from the most beautiful man Stef’s ever seen in their life. Lunch break’s a real good time.

It’s at the tail end of the lunch rush, so there’s a few people ahead of them in line, but not  _ too _ many. It gives them time to think of what they want for lunch. And what to say to Gabe when they get there.

They can see him behind the counter, diligently making sandwiches and boxing hot food up for people. He’s got a cheerful smile on his face, and he makes easy conversation with those customers who engage with him. His thick, curly hair is tucked up under a plastic hairnet, which is such a fucking  _ shame, _ because Stef’s spent many a monotonous task dreaming of running their fingers through that gorgeous mane.

Honestly, Stef’s so fucking  _ gone _ on this guy that they and Shaw have had  _ several _ full-on conversations about whether or not Stef should ask him out (they’d come to the conclusion that Shaw  _ also _ thought Gabe was hot as hell, and that they’d both be more than willing to bring him into the relationship if he was willing to give polyamory a shot and date both of them), but so far Stef’s been too chicken to do anything more than flirt.

“What can I get you today, Stef?” Gabe asks as Stef steps to the front of the line. Maybe they’re just imagining it, but they think his eyes light up a little more when they look up at him.

“Can I get one of those fuckin’ delicious chicken pesto paninis?” they ask, leaning forward and propping their elbow on the display case.

“Oh yeah, definitely!” he says with a grin, ducking away to get the sandwich ready for them. “You have excellent taste and great timing, because the chicken’s hot off the grill!”

“I like to think I’ve got pretty good taste,” Stef says, watching Gabe move behind the counter. Fuck, they hope he goes on break soon so they can talk to him when there aren’t people in line behind them waiting to do the same thing. “I know the  _ prettiest _ little deli worker who makes the  _ tastiest _ goddamn paninis, y’know.”

Gabe laughs, his cheeks darkening beneath his stubble as he wraps the sandwich up and passes it over the counter to them. “Well,” he says, “I’m pretty sure I’m, uh, actually a couple inches taller than you are, but, well, everything else is pretty accurate, I think.”

“Oh?” Stef smirks at him, taking the sandwich and reaching for their wallet with the same motion. “Glad you admit to being pretty, ‘cause if you didn’t I’d have to hand you a goddamn  _ mirror.” _ They hand him a ten, and he quickly rings up the sandwich and hands them back their change.

“Well, honestly, I, uh, I think  _ ‘pretty’ _ is a word more suited to  _ you,” _ he says. He clears his throat and straightens up. “Anyway, uh, have a good rest of your day! Enjoy your sandwich!”

“I definitely will.” Stef decides,  _ fuck it, _ and blows a kiss to him over their shoulder as they’re leaving. “See ya later, hot stuff!”

They don’t stick around long enough to catch his reaction, hurrying away to the breakroom with their lunch.

God, they’re hopeless.

\-----

“So it’s  _ you,” _ Stef screeches, snatching a bag of frozen brussels sprouts out of the Pillow Pets® display and grabbing the kid by the collar of his white designer jacket.  _ “You’re _ the little asshole who’s been leaving frozen food all over the damn store!”

“Lemme go!” the kid says, twisting in their grip. 

Stef tightens their grip. “Listen to me, you little twerp,” they hiss in his ear. “I catch you with your nasty li’l hands on anything frozen ever again an’ I’ll drag you down to customer service  _ myself _ an’ have ‘em call your parents right then an’ there. You hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I  _ got _ it, now lemme  _ go!” _ The kid twists again, and Stef releases him, letting him stumble forward.

Stef watches as the kid bolts off, ducking down another aisle and disappearing from view. Ugh. Little bastard, making Stef clean up his stupid goddamn messes. No respect for retail workers.

They carry the brussels sprouts back to their case and stow them carefully with their brethren, cold and snug in the freezer where they belong.

Fuckin’ Jerry better not get on their case about this kinda shit anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Characters:  
Stef - Party Poison | Shaw - Show Pony | Dante - Fun Ghoul | Marco - Kobra Kid  
Lola - OC (Fruit Punch) } Kai - OC (Coastal Cooler) | Gabe - Jet Star | Horrible Kid - Val Velocity
> 
> thanks for reading!! if you enjoyed this, feel free to leave kudos or a comment! i'd love to hear what you have to say!! 😄✨  
if you'd like to send in a fic prompt, my inbox is always open: [enby-partypoison](https://enby-partypoison.tumblr.com/)
> 
> see you next week!! 🌟


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